Friends, Lovers, or Nothin. There can only be one.

Rereading old conversations because you’re too shy to strike up a new one

Can’t get my hopes up.

My head, and every logical part of me is screaming “No. Run.” Even part of my heart says no. But there’s that one shred of hope, that recollection of my body against his, that little voice whispering, “He meant it,” his smell lingering on my clothes, his hand placed firmly on my hip, that makes me believe. I believe not in a future, but in a possibility of a future. Just a sheer chance that maybe he’ll over look everyone else, and want exactly what that piece of me wants. On the other hand is pure destruction. Tears, pain, and jealousy lurk, just waiting for what they know is to come. So how does my brain decide? It’s torn, clearly. But which side will win this endless game of tug-of-war? 

Every once in a while, I feel stuck. There are already few people I can confide in, but when I’m uncomfortable talking to any of them about a situation for specific reasons, where do I go? Then again, my God is always listening. Why do I doubt? I have the best friend anyone could ask for, and so do you.

For so long these four numbers have been an icon. Just a figure that I would never actually reach. I remember being in 5th grade the first time I heard it: “Class of 2012” printed on the back of a t-shirt. I thought, “Well that’s strange. That’s so far away. Why would they even put that?” It was difficult for my 12-year-old brain to process just how little that amount of time was. I didn’t understand the fact that it would one day come. But now reality has shaken me awake. 2012. The year that my world changes completely. The year one huge chapter ends, and an even bigger one begins. Graduation, college, moving away from home. Even now, I don’t think my 18-year-old brain can process it. It’s here. And I’m scared out of my mind.

How many times am I gonna be “done?”